"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination - Next stop, the Twilight Zone!"
...Joe Splivingates went to sleep on September 2nd just like he would on any other night. He brushed his teeth, he put on his familiar baggy, gray sleep shirt and blue pajama pants and he knelt down by his bedside and talked to God just like he did every other night. "I'm thankful for everything I have, but I wish I could be taller." While it may not seem like much to anyone else, if you knew Joe it meant the world. You see, Joe had the itis, the Websteritis. He stood only 3' 7" tall at the age of 44.
When Joe woke on the morning of September 3rd, he knew that day would be different. It was Labor Day, the end of the summer. He rose from his hotel room bed at the Holiday Inn and immediately headed for McKevlin's Surf Shop, still in his pajamas. 
The view was different today. He didn't have to stand on his tippy-toes to see the results from the surfing contest on the wall. "I'm tall, I'm tall!!!" Joe Splivingates excitedly thought to himself. Even tough his formerly baggy pajamas had become a tight "Hooters girl" outfit, Joe was not phased.
"My wish has come true and I'm the luckiest man ever" he said to the passing stranger. "I'm going boogie boarding!" "That's great" replied the man, "but stay away from my kids."
"But these boogie boards are too small for me" he said to the salesman, " Do you have boogie boards for tall people...like me?" "I'm sorry" said the salesman, "We only carry sponges for short and average sized humans. Definitely nothing suitable for a man of your tall stature.""Ok. I'll just buy a new back pack instead. I've needed a new one." But when he tried on the new backpack it wasn't big enough to wear around his shoulders.
"I'll just wear it around my waist" Joe uttered in a disgruntled voice. "I mean it. Stay away from my kids" repeated the man in the striped shirt.As Joe headed towards the front door he turned and yelled in disgust, "Why don't you guys sell anything for tall people. That's right, I said tall people. Tall people like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
In a way, it can be said that Joe Splivigates succeeded in his life's ambition, even though the man he created was, after all, himself. There may be easier ways to self-improvement, but sometimes it happens that the shortest distance between two points is a crooked line - through the Twilight Zone.
11 comments:
i would like these pictures of myself taken down immediately.
For christ sakes Ian....we're going to have to take your camera from you....I'm going to have nightmares.
That has to be the funniest one you've done yet-I'm dyin over here!
I.ll be telling this story as I put my kids down tonight. It is a wonderful tale.
Thank You
Poor Joe, blessed with a man's physique and cursed with a 12 year-olds clothes.
Damn that Twilight Zone...
Even if he's from Europe, I still don't understand how anybody could walk out the door like that.
Once again Mckevlins has figured out how to publicly bash their customers like a bunch of snotty high school girl fashionistas.
Newsflash last anonymous, the employees at the record store are mocking your bad taste in music too.
They still sell records in stores?!
Trust me, you don't have to be a staffer at McKevlins to have bashed that outfit....and feel free to call me a fashonista....'cause that was just wrong on so many levels. Except for the late 50's guy I saw on the beach on Labor Day, toting his beach kayak and his very, very well fed abdomen along....all the while sporting a tremondously small banana hammock....ooooooo, I'm still shuddering. He made the Twilight Zone guy look over dressed.
Totally hilarious, and the anonymous that made a comment about macs bashing customers...get a freakin sense of humor.
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